Defenders of the Mirth

About a week ago, with my 26th birthday looming I gave everyone an opportunity. This opportunity is something thats seems to have been quite rare in this world as of late and I was feeling particularly brave. This opportunity was of course 26 questions followed by 26 completely honest and truthful answers.

Most of the questions asked were in the final hours of the offer, most of the questions were asked with alcohol in me and most thankfully most were not along the lines of “would you bum your Mum or a dead lama?”. All that being said all they were truthfully answered to the best of my ability.

Below are the questions followed by the answers, and before it is pointed out to me, 26 questions were not asked. The questions are stated in the order to which they were sent to me by Jonny.

Am I Gay?

Um, this was an easy one, NO!!!!

Have you ever kissed a Guy?

Yes, I have. It was an American Pie type scenario were If I kissed a guy two ladies would do some lesbian stuff, and yes, it was worth it!!!

Have you ever been arrested?

Quick answer, no, long answer, not exactly. I have had two run ins with the police in my life.

The first was when I was walking back to my Nan’s house in Belfast after going to see the Blair Witch Project 2 (which was terrible). I was about 16, and in a group of people around a similar age. The police stopped us, assumed we were up to no good, and escorted us home. I do fondly remember the police trying to ascertain the location of our homes in Belfast by asking us where we went to school. I truthfully replied “Glastry”, and then had to explain where Glastry was and why the hell I was in Belfast.

The second encounter with the police was actually shortly after that. It was a cold winter night, around Halloween, It was only about 7 but pitch black. I was walking home from the Mace after buying some shit and from the Primary School car-park a firework shot out of the darkness and zoomed right across my path. A police officer from the nearby station ran up to me. I, after having the shit scared out of me, then informed him that I was unharmed. The obviously blind policeman then informed me that he suspected that I had launched the firework. Not being an angry person I then asked the policeman to explain to me how I was able to launch a firework and then cover the 200 yards distance to our current location only for it to narrowly miss me. Unable to explain this he walked off, not even looking for the actual perps who were probably still hiding behind the cars.

What is the worse thing that I ever did and have gotten away with?

Oh dear, a Pandora’s box of a question, well here is the answer. After the break up of a previous relationship, I was left very bitter!!! I won’t go into the reasoning because that is what someone else did, not what I did. Anyway, bitter, I wanted nothing more than to leave Edinburgh and Scotland behind and come home. I Moved out of my flat in May time and made a bee line directly for County Down. I later receive correspondence from the ex in the form of an E-mail that there had been an unpaid bill and she had paid a bailiff the money that was owed and was requesting the money to be reimbursed. I then immediately deleted the E-Mail and never mentioned it again, until now.

For the longest time I have felt incredibly guilty about the act and have never been in a position to put it right. Others that know the complete story have informed me that I should have no guilt as the wrong that was done on me was far, far greater.

Tit-for-Tat, it doesn’t matter, the only thing that kept me sane during the entire thing was that I was a better person, I lost that. I have always looked up to heroic ideals, Superman, Batman, Spider-man were my Jesus. That was the one day that evil won and all I can do is try to be a better person in the future and part of that is admitting what I did or didn’t do. I should have been better.

Have I ever done anything funny with my penis?

Thank fuck, a lighter one, and yes is the answer. While in bed with a lady I turned little James sideways and made the little hole talk like a mouth. He had a little voice that I will be glad to share with you in person if you ask nicely. Only ladies get the full show!!!!

What actor would I shag up the ass? a Sam question believe it or not!!!

Easy answer, Ryan Reynolds.

What do I most want to do at the end of the night?

This is a multi answer type situation, as i guess it would be for most people, depending on mood.

Some nights, sorry people if this is too much information but the easy answer is sex, failing that masturbation, both concluding in sleep.

Other nights I just want to get into bed and well, just have someone beside me. Oh dear, I think I just lost some man points for that answer!!!! Really had to fight the urge to put cuddle in that one…

What do I think of DC Comics?

A nerd question!?! I would answer this one honestly for free. I have always been a Marvel kid. I collected Spider-man like he might go out of stock for years!!! In resent years I have started getting a lot of DC books, digital distribution ftw!!! “Booster Gold” and “Batman and Robin” have both featured on my pull list and generally they are the 2 comics I enjoy most at the min.

What am I most proud of doing in my life?

When I was 17/18 my Nan got alzheimer’s. I had always enjoyed staying at my grandparents, their house to me was probably the happiest place on Earth. I practically moved in with them at that stage. I was there everyday par one or two per week. I’m not going to sit here and say that I always did the best job but I was still young and a complete idiot most of the time.

My strongest memory of that time was waking up on a Saturday. My Granda always did his shopping on the Saturday Morning because he knew someone was gonna be there with Nana(childish, I know, but that’s what we called her). I woke to find the house empty and the front door open. I looked out the front door to see her about 300 yards up the street and about to turn the corner and move out of sight.

I should at this point mention that my Nana had lost about 50 years of memory and though she lived at the completely opposite side of Belfast where she grew up.

In nothing more that a t-shirt and 3/4 length shorts ran after her. Trying to convince someone that something that they knew to be true is practically impossible. Lucky for me I had stood on a couple of pieces of broken glass and the blood was running out of the bottom of my foot. The Nurse in my Grandmother kicked in and I managed to return her home.

In conclusion, I could have done more, but did more than most.

Sorry about this guys but I’m gonna split this up, as I am tired.

End of Part 1